When flirting ferociously is part of survival.

The children are finally asleep. Why does the word "finally" always precede the word asleep when we are talking about our children? It isn't a mystery actually, no need to answer... Today Doug and I were listening to the children argue, banter, laugh and play (yes, that does happen occasionally) in the other room, after we took our earplugs out, and we made a statement to each other that we have made before..."those are a lot of kids!" and then we half smile and sigh. (That usually proceeds the "lot of kids" statement) So often we feel inadequate for such a task--you know caring and nurturing. We also worry that they will be "messed up" someday from our lame parenting. I hope not, but you never really know. I guess all we can do is just the basics? Like loving, caring and teaching our children by word and deed... The same goes in marriage. Nurturing in marriage is vital and lately the nurturing had been lacking. The complication comes when there is little time for nurturing--or whatever you want to blame that on. Me and Doug recommitted to "flirt ferociously" today and then put the earplugs BACK in the ears to cuddle....cuz that is also survival tactic when dealing with 5 beautiful loud children. We ARE going to make this family thing work gosh darn it...hope it doesn't kill us. :-) goodnight.

Celebrating a changing life.....

Congrats to Ms. Valorie....You have come a long way missy! A year ago Thanksgiving, she called me from a pay phone at the circle K on Palo Verde and Ajo. She was hungry, desperate and scared. She was about to get back into the drugs that had made her homeless for 12 years. She reached out. I am so thankful for her courage to call. So...a year has passed. Lots of love and help from friends and members of our church. Lots of hard work on Ms. Valorie's part. Highlights are: Marriage to John after 17 years by the bishop.... Trailer donated by good friends....missionaries visiting and invitations. Ms. Valorie singing in the ward choir. I remember she bore her testimony at church. Oh. Can't forget her passing out flowers to all the members of the congregations as a thanks:) And she informed me that a month ago she was able to speak with her 12 year old daughter. That was the first time. She told her she loved her...the girl said I love you back. Today as I met with her--- she looked good. Haircut. Clean clothes. Smelled pleasant. She was on her way to get oil for her generator and bolts for the trailer. She is industrious. She is a survivor. She has always been one to smile...amazingly enough. Sure she has her ups and downs as we all do. They may be different ups and downs from anyone reading this---yours may be worse.
Love and service is the key to happiness. And as I think about it....she not only changed her life for the better in one year---but most definitely has changed mine.

Thanks Ms. Valorie.

Going "Off-Line".....a Cautionary Measure

As I stare into that little green dot next to "on-line" friends....I can't help thinking, "What must they think when they see my green dot all day next to my name?" Maybe things like...."she really needs to get a life, cuz its obvious she is searching for another". That green dot is screaming,"Hello, Hey, Hi...I am a Facebook slut waiting for you to pay attention to me! Anyone wanna chat? Please, please, please??" So, you can see I am conflicted and completely mental. But, you already knew that didn't you? Ha. So, yes, I will have my life back and go offline. I will occasionally allow myself vulnerability to all those friends I really want to talk to..but only if they start the conversation first. I will not be the first kiss! (I mean chat) Phew! I felt strong just writing that!....*sigh*...Unfortunately, my heart and excitement has a way of overpowering my will power and I usually do give in to the pressure within and click online anyway. Crap. This is going to be a lot harder than I think. Good luck to all the "Facebook Sluts" out there....peace out. I mean.."logging off".

Life Reflection

It is late...and I really should go to bed. Whatever.... So this week is an exciting one for me, for so many reasons. Those reasons will remain personal but you may know one thing, life is a little confusing. Why? Cuz there are things that happen in life that you ask, "Why did this not happen?" or "Why did my life turn out like this?" When I was 16, I really believed that I knew exactly what would happen in my life. I thought I knew exactly who I would marry, and where I would live, how many kids I would have--even down to my job! Didn't any of you play the game where you make a spiral on paper until someone said "Stop!" Then you counted the lines, and then with all the top choices you wrote down, you decide what your future would be? Well, I did and my journal is full of them. I was so fascinated with knowing my future as a kid... I even have a "whenever you find it journal" that I write in, whenever I find it! :) It updates myself on where my life is. I know--I am weird. I am such a "girl". But I can't help it. I also can't help still loving every important person that has loved me and influenced me in my past. Sometimes it is hard to hold back the love I feel and attention and make sure it doesn't turn into "obsession"....oh well. :) So for all of you who I love--thanks so much. You have made me who I am today. Another thought: There really is so much life riding fast down a hill on my sweet bike, or running with just my sports bra on, or swimming so smoothly that I feel like I am flying in water....and even cuddling with the ones you love :) Those are some of my top feelings!

Reality Check

Today my children are so loud and hyper....or I am may be ready for a break. I have my Alexandre Desplat music playing in the background which really is the perfect music for my emotion. In my head I am still planning my day, screaming at my children, wanting to read them a book, make cinnamon rolls, sleep, read a book, write some email, read my scriptures or something spiritual, visit the sick and needy....care. But really all I can do is click on Facebook and see who said what and dive into someone else's life for a moment. I think I have found the reason why there is an addiction--being a voyer is quite interesting esp when it is not your own. Searching into someone else's life creates a sort of comfort, almost like they are your best friend--when maybe you have never even really talked. I may be rambling cuz I am very tired...but I am not going to care right now. My children are talking about "chunky snakes". What? They are off for 3 weeks....help me?! I have the feeling that at the end of this break I will not be winning the mommy of the 3 weeks award. I may not even be in the running. I know plenty who are....I despise you. I also admire you. I watched one of these moms at church today with her children. She sat in front of us and she was so amazing. She was sweet and attentive to her children. Her husband watched her do it all, as she did it all with a smile. I sat there, watching her glossy eyed as she broke each piece of fruit leather and popped it into her very fat baby's mouth followed by some sacrament water, a sippy of formula and a nutragrain bar. I wanted to be that baby. (I would skip the formula...it smells like metal) So, yes, my church is full of amazing women...that I hate. (not really, I do love them, just feeling insignificant.) I am making a goal to talk to my kids, read them a book and stay away from Facebook for a while...wish me luck, it won't be easy.

Brain Vacation on Labor Day weekend...mission accomplished?

I want to write some very clever things right now, but I am blank. So this is all you get. Except that it is early and I woke up automatically at 5a.m. My butt was very sore cuz I did about 100 lunges on Thursday. I decided to do Yoga. Yoga is so strange and beautiful all at the same time. What other exercise can you stretch so hard that you physically do "kiss your butt" goodbye. It is amazing.....anyway. After Yoga, went to the computer and then one, two, three kids are up already? Really? My Zen has left the house and I am back to wishing I could rewind the clock and really appreciate that "frog pose". So now they are up, Ben is feeding me Twizzlers which had been left in the living room from last night,(thanks Ben) and they are all watching TV. (cuz they were bugging me and I said, "guys, go watch a show or something") Aaaahhh, T.V. what a modern day blessing! Except for that incessant background noise...earplugs with my tunes will help. Ok...I am back to blank again and happy Labor Day weekend!! Whatever that means....?? Okay time to find out: "Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.....Traditionally, Labor Day is celebrated by most Americans as the symbolic end of the summer. In U.S. sports, Labor Day marks the beginning of the NFL and college football seasons." So really, it is a national holiday of "lets have a day off" Day. I like it! Oh,...okay. Now I got something in my brain. THANKS LABOR DAY! (This may be the dumbest blog post I have ever written. You are all worse from reading this than when you started and for that..I am sorry. Bye for now :) Ana.

Being Bipolar is normal

This weekend has shaped into quite a joy ride. I have been able to feel as high as a kite (no drugs used) and low as a sewage system (I know, but I try) all at the same time! Have you ever felt this bipolar? If you say no, then you are either lying to yourself or you are on Paxal. Life is like that. So many twists and turns, that you can only hold on, buckle up and enjoy the ride! It all started on Friday, when Ben woke up with a 102 fever after his nap. This resulted in no swimming with good friend. Crap! I was really looking forward to that watery escape! Sick kids really are the worst. I hate to see their little bodies suffer. Esp when they are sweet. When they are not sweet?....then I am glad they are sick. No, I haven't met a child who isn't sweet....I was just saying. (Sheesh.) So up all night last two nights...I mean, ALL NIGHT. Hearing him cough and give out little moans. All I can do is elbow Doug to wake up too so he can suffer like me. (Doug says he had a migraine, so he HAD to take xtra pills to help it go away....right....I want to pull that one too) Sorry, babe, I know I am so unfair..blah, blah blah. So, I will spare you the rest of the story. Ben is slowly getting better and obviously loves me more..... Oh, and the "high as a kite" part? I got to spend time with amazing Premier Deigns women on Saturday, eat and shop with friends....that is more than high. So, life is balanced and good. I am sure I will have some down times in my day..but I hope that with all that life brings, my ups will outweigh my downs. (yikes, I think that is a Disney song) Help!

Facebook is NOT dumb.

So I will start my blog writing spell with this deep thought by Sam....he comes up to me yesterday and says, "Mom, it wouldn't be a good idea if someone says, 'Hey, I dare you to fall out of that tree and die!' and you do it, huh? that would be dumb. huh?"...um, yes, Sam, that would be dumb. So, that is the thought for the day. Don't do dumb things--at least dumb dares :) Lets all learn from the 4 year old.
On that note,(and not cuz its dumb) I wanted to express my undying love for Facebook now that I have become an official addict. If anyone out there has a therapy program for it, please help me. Why this recent addiction? Well, I have recently come across some very dear and loved friends from my past and I am TRIPPIN. (say it in cool way). I am TRIPPIN in a good way though and I am actually enjoying this trip...i don't want to go home yet, and may be on a permanent vacation... Who knows all you skeptics, FB may be God's tool to get us together with not only our old friends but with ourselves. In the Book of Mormon the word "remember" is mentioned countless amount of times. Remember. I love that. I will. How many times do we feel lost to what we once knew and felt? A good friend, past or present, can come along and help us remember the things were already know deep inside---reminding us of the person we used to be…yup, I’m talkin to you !
So, that is my justification on FB....bring it on if you want to fight about it. I will keep loving all those old friends I am finding....cuz it is so wonderful to know they still care!—Ana

A Memorable Wedding...and some!

Have you ever had an experience in your life that when it is happening, you say to yourself , "This is a memory I will never forget!"? I think we do have those occasionally and for me, it was tonight. Tonight, was the wedding of John and Ms. Valorie Carraway. If any of you have read my old posts, this is thee, Ms. Valorie---the "smilin for our troops" Ms. Valorie... Yes, Ms. Valorie was the homeless lady (well Desert Dweller as they call them here) who would would sell newspapers to drivers on the corner of Kolb and Valencia....and at the time, lived in a tent. Well, today she now lives in a trailer, with her now official and legal husband John and has been coming pretty regularly to church for the past four months. She looked beautiful with her blue dress and bouquet of flowers. Her smile was so bright and she couldn't help but giggle through out the whole wedding ceremony. We were all there in the bishop's office. Her friends---and even a puppy dog. (We said he was the ring bearer:)) It was so sweet to see her face. John was feeling good too and kept commenting that everyone was looking at him and taking pictures of him cuz he was wearing such a white shirt! It was a happy night. I am so thankful for Sheralin, who has the vision to help and be that instrument of God to lead and love. I am so thankful to be part of a church that understands that the true gospel of Jesus Christ is not about where we are but where we are headed. When the ceremony ended and we were walking out of the bishop's office, I held Ms. Valorie's hand and she looked at me and said, "Well, Ms. Marshall...I'm on my way to being better...." I quickly squeezed her hand and said, "You have been on your way for a long time...we are holding hands in this life together and striving together... to be better" That is really what it is all about. We are all beggars unto the Lord and with Him and only Him can we be lead to the source of true happiness in life---Eternal Life. I have no doubt that Ms. Valorie was put on this earth to teach all of us. I heard she is joining the ward choir! :) That will most definitely spice up the hymns. Life is good! Goodnight!

Change Sucks! (should I say "Just Kidding?")

Change. It is usually referred to as a good thing (at leas that is what we say to feel better about it) But there are good changes for sure, for example: “Change the diaper”….definately. Change your underwear….yes. Change the channel…okay. And if you are an LDS person who has loved and served your ward for many years, “Change your ward boundaries…..” You begin to hear the screeching violin playing like “psycho”! Very hard. Today was a good day in a new ward. Lots of “transition” themed testimonies and faith promoting stories. Clearly this is going to be another adventure in the annals (can I say that here…okay, not spelled the same.) of history. It is also a time to reflect on the amazing abilities of Enoch…where he served and loved the people of his ward for hundreds of years and didn’t tire of it, eventually sending them all to heaven together. I am guessing they did not have a ward boundary change. J Actually everything was put into perspective for me tonight on our way home from my parents. We were driving on Houghton and in the headlights we spotted a dog that had been hit. Being a very busy road, we had to drive on and make a U-Turn (illegally. My daughter asked us if this was legal…we ignored her) and had to find a way to pull over by the dying animal. I stepped out of the car and as I came close to her, I could see her shallow breathing and blood that had been spilt on the road and covering her mouth and paws. I put my hand to her head and spoke to it trying to sooth its pain. She was a beautiful dog and because I don’t know dog’s and breeds I couldn’t even tell you what type it was. I called the number on the collar but it was the wrong number so I had to call the animal control center. A Sherriff was on its way, the owners were being located….we had to go home. We dropped the kids off and drove to the owner’s home and left a note attached to their empty home. About 10 minutes ago, I got a call from the owner, asking me if I had their dog “Zha Zha” and if she was okay…. I had to break the news to him that she had been hit and was probably dead and needed to call the Pima Animal Control. His voice became quiet and there was a long pause. I apologized for his loss and I hung up the phone. Of course I am hugging CoCo right now (our chocolate lab) and feel like crying. That is change I don’t want. Change that comes from a loss of a loved one. I will take ward changes anytime…as long as my loved ones, yes…even CoCo is safe with me. Good bye “Zha Zha”.. all dogs go to Heaven, that is certain. I will let her lick me too when I see her someday. Sorry for the somber ending, but I don't feel that funny tonight....it will come back to me by tomorrow :) Goodnight. Ana.

Ben likes...no LOVES pie!

Um...yeah, eating habits are still at an all-time high! This baby is so scrumptious...add pie, and you just might bite through the skin!

I'm Back...and I am Worse!

Drum roll please.......yes, I am back! For how long? I cannot tell. Sorry for the instability in my writing but after my follow through with body surgery, and my starting the new "church of Jewelry", life has been extremely crazy, weird and different. Daily there have been things to write about and I am constantly saying to myself that I will return back to my blog. I was planning on changing it's title "Confessions of a Non-drinker" for a little sick humor...but I may keep it where it is at. Cuz really this is my world, and I am....me. I cannot write long since I am still lasting through only about 3 hours of sleep last night. Guess who is retarded..(okay, mentally challenged) and decided to get rid of the crib and put Ben in a toddler bed. Poor kid is not even 1 1/2 years old and I am already telling him to "get a job". We even took his high chair away. Poor little guy, he has been doing a lot of sign gestures lately....wait a minute! I know what kind of sign gestures he has been doing!! (Not appropriate ones) ...but we deserve it really! I wanted more room in our little home....high chair! HUGE!! Crib GINORMOUS!!... why do kid things have to be so big? So alas, after an all nighter with my had on his back and him hitting his bed several times on the corner of the toddler bed and finding his way through the food storage in the hall (that was under the crib...now where do we put it? :) ) We have him now back in the crib....Doug is patient. So, goodnight and I keep you posted on my life once again, if you care and if you don't, then that is cool too.....because I hate you too! -----Ana. (Can you tell I am not RS pres anymore?...can everyone say "Digression"?)