Haiku's are my only remedy....

So...today I have written some haiku's of my own. This is not a declaration of me as a poet but of a woman with some serious feelings that can only be expressed as of anciently... lol. Enjoy and don't expect TOO much. My first try, cut me some slack.

Steam rises from heat,
Melting ice cream cherry falls
Screams the child within.

Palms sway in the breeze,
Mango juicy quenching thirst
Gold glitter on me

Leaves fall to the ground
At my feet a pile of years
Life is born from love

No band aid for me
Whiney children die! die! die!
Peace through pain killers

Strength comes from effort
Deodorant has worn off
Nothing left to prove

Head pulse to the beat
Rumpilicious shaky shake
No music eyes closed

Hungry children now
Dinner waiting to be served
Face book beckons me to stay

Surge of loneliness
Memories of life and death
The red chair beckons

When flirting ferociously is part of survival.

The children are finally asleep. Why does the word "finally" always precede the word asleep when we are talking about our children? It isn't a mystery actually, no need to answer... Today Doug and I were listening to the children argue, banter, laugh and play (yes, that does happen occasionally) in the other room, after we took our earplugs out, and we made a statement to each other that we have made before..."those are a lot of kids!" and then we half smile and sigh. (That usually proceeds the "lot of kids" statement) So often we feel inadequate for such a task--you know caring and nurturing. We also worry that they will be "messed up" someday from our lame parenting. I hope not, but you never really know. I guess all we can do is just the basics? Like loving, caring and teaching our children by word and deed... The same goes in marriage. Nurturing in marriage is vital and lately the nurturing had been lacking. The complication comes when there is little time for nurturing--or whatever you want to blame that on. Me and Doug recommitted to "flirt ferociously" today and then put the earplugs BACK in the ears to cuddle....cuz that is also survival tactic when dealing with 5 beautiful loud children. We ARE going to make this family thing work gosh darn it...hope it doesn't kill us. :-) goodnight.

Celebrating a changing life.....

Congrats to Ms. Valorie....You have come a long way missy! A year ago Thanksgiving, she called me from a pay phone at the circle K on Palo Verde and Ajo. She was hungry, desperate and scared. She was about to get back into the drugs that had made her homeless for 12 years. She reached out. I am so thankful for her courage to call. So...a year has passed. Lots of love and help from friends and members of our church. Lots of hard work on Ms. Valorie's part. Highlights are: Marriage to John after 17 years by the bishop.... Trailer donated by good friends....missionaries visiting and invitations. Ms. Valorie singing in the ward choir. I remember she bore her testimony at church. Oh. Can't forget her passing out flowers to all the members of the congregations as a thanks:) And she informed me that a month ago she was able to speak with her 12 year old daughter. That was the first time. She told her she loved her...the girl said I love you back. Today as I met with her--- she looked good. Haircut. Clean clothes. Smelled pleasant. She was on her way to get oil for her generator and bolts for the trailer. She is industrious. She is a survivor. She has always been one to smile...amazingly enough. Sure she has her ups and downs as we all do. They may be different ups and downs from anyone reading this---yours may be worse.
Love and service is the key to happiness. And as I think about it....she not only changed her life for the better in one year---but most definitely has changed mine.

Thanks Ms. Valorie.

Going "Off-Line".....a Cautionary Measure

As I stare into that little green dot next to "on-line" friends....I can't help thinking, "What must they think when they see my green dot all day next to my name?" Maybe things like...."she really needs to get a life, cuz its obvious she is searching for another". That green dot is screaming,"Hello, Hey, Hi...I am a Facebook slut waiting for you to pay attention to me! Anyone wanna chat? Please, please, please??" So, you can see I am conflicted and completely mental. But, you already knew that didn't you? Ha. So, yes, I will have my life back and go offline. I will occasionally allow myself vulnerability to all those friends I really want to talk to..but only if they start the conversation first. I will not be the first kiss! (I mean chat) Phew! I felt strong just writing that!....*sigh*...Unfortunately, my heart and excitement has a way of overpowering my will power and I usually do give in to the pressure within and click online anyway. Crap. This is going to be a lot harder than I think. Good luck to all the "Facebook Sluts" out there....peace out. I mean.."logging off".

Life Reflection

It is late...and I really should go to bed. Whatever.... So this week is an exciting one for me, for so many reasons. Those reasons will remain personal but you may know one thing, life is a little confusing. Why? Cuz there are things that happen in life that you ask, "Why did this not happen?" or "Why did my life turn out like this?" When I was 16, I really believed that I knew exactly what would happen in my life. I thought I knew exactly who I would marry, and where I would live, how many kids I would have--even down to my job! Didn't any of you play the game where you make a spiral on paper until someone said "Stop!" Then you counted the lines, and then with all the top choices you wrote down, you decide what your future would be? Well, I did and my journal is full of them. I was so fascinated with knowing my future as a kid... I even have a "whenever you find it journal" that I write in, whenever I find it! :) It updates myself on where my life is. I know--I am weird. I am such a "girl". But I can't help it. I also can't help still loving every important person that has loved me and influenced me in my past. Sometimes it is hard to hold back the love I feel and attention and make sure it doesn't turn into "obsession"....oh well. :) So for all of you who I love--thanks so much. You have made me who I am today. Another thought: There really is so much life riding fast down a hill on my sweet bike, or running with just my sports bra on, or swimming so smoothly that I feel like I am flying in water....and even cuddling with the ones you love :) Those are some of my top feelings!

Reality Check

Today my children are so loud and hyper....or I am may be ready for a break. I have my Alexandre Desplat music playing in the background which really is the perfect music for my emotion. In my head I am still planning my day, screaming at my children, wanting to read them a book, make cinnamon rolls, sleep, read a book, write some email, read my scriptures or something spiritual, visit the sick and needy....care. But really all I can do is click on Facebook and see who said what and dive into someone else's life for a moment. I think I have found the reason why there is an addiction--being a voyer is quite interesting esp when it is not your own. Searching into someone else's life creates a sort of comfort, almost like they are your best friend--when maybe you have never even really talked. I may be rambling cuz I am very tired...but I am not going to care right now. My children are talking about "chunky snakes". What? They are off for 3 weeks....help me?! I have the feeling that at the end of this break I will not be winning the mommy of the 3 weeks award. I may not even be in the running. I know plenty who are....I despise you. I also admire you. I watched one of these moms at church today with her children. She sat in front of us and she was so amazing. She was sweet and attentive to her children. Her husband watched her do it all, as she did it all with a smile. I sat there, watching her glossy eyed as she broke each piece of fruit leather and popped it into her very fat baby's mouth followed by some sacrament water, a sippy of formula and a nutragrain bar. I wanted to be that baby. (I would skip the formula...it smells like metal) So, yes, my church is full of amazing women...that I hate. (not really, I do love them, just feeling insignificant.) I am making a goal to talk to my kids, read them a book and stay away from Facebook for a while...wish me luck, it won't be easy.

Brain Vacation on Labor Day weekend...mission accomplished?

I want to write some very clever things right now, but I am blank. So this is all you get. Except that it is early and I woke up automatically at 5a.m. My butt was very sore cuz I did about 100 lunges on Thursday. I decided to do Yoga. Yoga is so strange and beautiful all at the same time. What other exercise can you stretch so hard that you physically do "kiss your butt" goodbye. It is amazing.....anyway. After Yoga, went to the computer and then one, two, three kids are up already? Really? My Zen has left the house and I am back to wishing I could rewind the clock and really appreciate that "frog pose". So now they are up, Ben is feeding me Twizzlers which had been left in the living room from last night,(thanks Ben) and they are all watching TV. (cuz they were bugging me and I said, "guys, go watch a show or something") Aaaahhh, T.V. what a modern day blessing! Except for that incessant background noise...earplugs with my tunes will help. Ok...I am back to blank again and happy Labor Day weekend!! Whatever that means....?? Okay time to find out: "Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.....Traditionally, Labor Day is celebrated by most Americans as the symbolic end of the summer. In U.S. sports, Labor Day marks the beginning of the NFL and college football seasons." So really, it is a national holiday of "lets have a day off" Day. I like it! Oh,...okay. Now I got something in my brain. THANKS LABOR DAY! (This may be the dumbest blog post I have ever written. You are all worse from reading this than when you started and for that..I am sorry. Bye for now :) Ana.